_In A State Of Trance

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Its 12am, the start of my customary owl pattern. There has been quite a significant and unexpected emotional disturbance the past few days, ruining the musical flow that culminated in the production process with Ruw on Ableton. Seeing her twice within a week has caused that. I thought I had moved on, but she has that natural pull, I get sucked in no matter what. As her farewell date loomed, I started drifting back to my old emotions. Those unfulfilled wishes, opportunities lost.. I thought this was my last chance to express a multitude of hidden feelings. I am assuming she has little knowledge of my feelings of course. What started as a friendly gesture to make a personalized mix for her turned into deep emotional recollection that would paralyse me til today. The thought of not seeing her ever again, that thats the end of our journey provoked such a response I guess. I have never really done anything for her and since finding out she was attached, my chats with her has been less frequent. So she must be quite surprised when she received the link to the mix. Essentially, the damage was done at the end of last year, when I 'missed the boat'. In order to stem the tides of regret, many thoughts of a final meet up with her to at least reveal some feelings to her creeped into my mind. The outcome would have been the same, but I might have felt better. What I need to learn from this ordeal though, is not to be too naive in my relationships with females, and of course to man up and strike when the iron is hot. Maybe I need to accept a new paradigm, which is that some girls really treat guys as just good friends. To dig deeper, it appears that in the times we spent together, jokes and laughter aside, I think we shared little emotional understanding of each other. She doesnt know or care how much music means to me and to me, her good character aside, I dont know much else about what makes her tick. Our interactions havent gone deep enough. In a way, I have been fooled by her warm, cheerful and innocent personality, because u never know if she's treating u specially.

But I need to fucking move on. I have got a lot of good musical stuff going on for me right now. I only hope to gain more wisdom with regards to reading girls, and hope to meet more decent girls in Melbourne who I can share deep connections with. hehe.

look at the stars ;

Monday, March 21, 2011

She's gone. The sooner I accept it the better. It won't be easy blocking her out of my life.

How do u let go of something u like so much? How do u tell yourself that everything has been for nothing?

Perception is screwed. I am too naive.

I need to move on. Let my emotional energy be directed at my Honours topic.

Trance shall be my redemption once again.

Take over my mind and instill me with yr coldharbour passion, Markus Schulz

look at the stars ;

Sunday, March 13, 2011

So here I am experiencing the emotional roller coaster again. Cant stop thinking of her after seeing her. I need to put my thoughts into actions and plans. This applies to my Honours stuff as well...
This song just totally expresses how I feel now:

Keo Nozari - Close Enough (Noel Sanger Remix)

I have kept my distance.
Independent. On my own.
A superficial witness
with love I'd touch and go.

Could it be
for my own protection
I have only gone halfway?
Could it be
my fear of rejection
drove your love away?

I say don't get too close
protect yourself from love.
It's hard to stay afloat
when you try and you try and you try.
I say don't get too close
protect yourself from love.
Yet, I find it hurts the most
when you try and you try and you try
and you're not close enough.

Crowded room of people
I pretend to know.
I'd rather be a stranger.
I choose to walk alone.

Could it be
living on the outside
is much more than I can take?
Honestly,
I'd reach for affection
but it only slips away.

look at the stars ;

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Its another one of those nights where I feel a sudden melancholy, the kinda crashing back down to earth feeling. Perhaps in the previous few days I have been riding too high on the Coldharbour sound, where the last 2 episodes of GDJB have been absolutely wicked Sek.

Nowadays whenever I get emotional I think of her first. I miss her, but I am not exactly in the best position to miss her. She is in her favourite cultural land, with guys who are either korean or into the whole Korean culture thing, so whatever she is doing with the guys there, I dont know. However, whenever she talks to me online, I gain hope and happiness.. but then I am left to hang on a thread over and over again. Its hard to tell from msn what her true feelings are, whether if she is just a naturally chatty person online or she likes talking to me. She makes me go crazy like no girl has before. In order to fully pursue her, I need to know if I am in her frame of reference and if she is still 'available'. In another one of her mixed messages, she said she is a 'hot and sexy korean girl' that I may like, before concluding that she is not available. On the day that she left for korea, I told myself that I would let both her and myself move on. Within 2 days, when she initiated a conversation on msn from malaysia, that thought was thrown out of the window. Well, I am gonna push deeper in conversations with her to prepare and shape my assault in Melbourne. Now, this part is filled with uncertainty. I havent really chased a girl before. To do it in a foreign city, for someone with interests that are not the most familar to u is going to be a challenge. But it is one that I have to take. It is part of being a man and a process which will enable me to grow regardless of whether I am successful. If cupid or any love god is watching, I could really do with some guidiance, wisdom and confidence. Confidence comes with having a sense of purpose in your life, and that is always the second issue on my mind.

So where I am I going with my life? I wish honours is the right path for me. I am not too sure, but it is merely a sensible path ahead while buying myself more time to sort out just what I want to do in the future. Right now it seems to be something to with music. Not as a musician, but probably in some music events company. Which is where I hope I can find something meaningful to research for in my Honours for marketing. This area requires more thinking in the next few days, as well as reading up on research methods. I want to be ready for an enjoyable nerd year heh. I also want to carve out a part time DJ career this year, and work part time in some music/academic related field too.

look at the stars ;

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Markus Schulz, Moonbeam, Arnej, Tucandeo, Mr Pit, Pobsky, Rex Mundi, Barnes & Heatcliff, Mike Foyle, Marcus Schossow, Skytech. U guys are my heroes

look at the stars ;

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

4 fucking am now. Cant sleep. Waiting for the match later. Popping to Marcus's place to catch Roma vs Man U later at 530 am. Some passions never die do they? I came here without a guitar, the next thing i know, its my first major purchase here. Then i think how the fuck do i watch soccer here? The time zone is screwed up. I sleep later of course. Nothing new of course. The thing's that has changed though is my apetite. Its really scary now. The proportions i eat has maybe gone up 2 times and i seem to get hungry again within the next hour! Think when i do go back to sg i will rape the hawker stores clean.

Some pics to revive this ancient blog bah.

The last glimpse of familiarity.

Flinders station. I think this is like their city hall area? Of course beauty x 5 maybe.

Internet is damn slow now. Cos off peak. Taking damn long to upload pics. More pics on my facebook but havent uploaded the good pics and vids. Soon i guess. Catching some sleep before the match. Til then.

look at the stars ;

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

So it was my 21st birthday down under. I was hardly expecting much to be honest, but i guess it made me realise what a nice group of friends i have around. The amount of thought and effort they put in was touching.

At bout 9 plus am, the fucking door bell was ringing non stop, waking some of my apartment mates up i presume, while i only opened an eye and say: who the fuck? Then next thing i knew, samuel, fiona and yee soon were focing me out of bed with pancakes and goreng pisang prepared! They had woken up earlier to make it for me, and it was good stuff. After wishing, me happy birthday and some chit chat i went back to sleep again as i had a late night previously then at 1 plus, samuel woke me up as we were supposed to cook lunch. When i entered yee soon's apartment, i had another shock. Balloons hung up, many great looking dishes prepared together with damn nice plates and cutlery. Lindy and yee soon always churning up some new tatsy dishes and samuel with his trademark dishes. Had a really sumptuous meal, with them again forcing majority of the food to me. Its always like that heh.. O my mentor, Kim came too. Then for surprise number 3 they pulled out a cake from out of nowhere with 21 candles yea and i of course did the ceremonial duties albeit a bit stunned. It was a really good cheese cake done by lindy and Ys again, with blueberry and tim tam bears! Blasted my music and we played uno and some card games heh. Had some red wine too yea. I burst a balloon outside this particular person's room in a bid to please everyone, who kinda hate her. And she came out and thought it was some explosion and told us to lower the music in typical fashion.

We went to the Crown casino area in the city for dinner, at this steam boat buffet thing, which was ok i guess but cant compare to those back home? Nonetheless filling and satifying to have tried many stuff. Joel and Anthony came along too. What else to do at crown besides gambling, the arcade of course. We had this buy $15 get $15 thing so yea we played all we could, which is not a lot really. Missed the last train ha shit had to take tram back. Back in my apartment, the last surprise was fiona playing the birthday song on guitar to me which was a feat given that she learnt it from a friend a few days ago! And got a card from them all, and a crucial gift,the money and capital markets text book! Education is the real deal man. Screw that man, my room is the real deal now, with the old trafford poster they gave me too!

Yea it was the most planned birthday i have had i think. Even though i dont know too many ppl here in aussie yet, the feeling of having this bunch of friends who put in their heart and soul for me today is truly pleasing! Thats all that matters really. These things. I could feel da love man. I am in good company. I am concerned about my weight though!

look at the stars ;

Melbournian
15th Feb 2008

So it’s been 5 days since I touched down in Melbourne. Its a beautiful and culturally diverse city which i believe i will come to love eventually. The Caucasians are all pretty friendly in general. Though they are lazier and less efficient in the service sector compared to Singapore. There are loads of Asians in Melbourne! It is gonna be overtaken by the asian invasion in 10 years if they don’t control the immigrant population i feel. Initially i was a bit lost socially. Like I am English speaking and western oriented in my interests but you kinda get the feeling that u just don’t belong with the ang mohs as a core group. I would wanna interact with them though, u know some drinks etc. It looks like Singapore, Malaysia, Hong Kong in my group. China ppl can fuck back to the mainland. However, the sheer number of Indians or Indian look-alikes( Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, Pakistan shit etc) leaves a bitter taste and sight. Some of the Chinese food which i have gobbled here has been really awesome to say the least. There are eateries of all cultures here, a lot of them Asian. The portions here are pretty gargantuan too. 2 persons can share a plate sometimes.

I arrived on Sunday morning, and the monash airport reception took me and my parents to their hotel. Its called hotel bakpak discovery and it does live up to its name. Its a place for backpackers, like a budget hotel. I guess my parents were fooled by the brochure. But it turned out to be a pretty nice place and good experience. Even though the rooms have no television or telephone! Theres an internet area, cinema, cafe, cooking area and we get to see ppl of many nationalities with their backpacks coming in and out. Benny, our family friend living in Melbourne transported us and our luggage to the International Mews, my accommodation here, on Mon morning. After unpacking everything, i followed my parents exploring the city before taking a train back to my place for the night. I am supposed to have 4 other roommates. One is an aussie( the last i heard he’s been out drinking). One is a honky( he never fails to entertain me with his English accent, exactly like how Russell peters does his impersonation). He also woke me up at 12 plus am, playing soccer in the living hall, which is a spirit i endorse, not the time.. One is an Indian from Zambia, 26 yrs old and doing his masters. He is pretty good to have around actually, cleaned up the whole kitchen on his own which was a massive task considering the state of the kitchen before we moved in. Still one more to come. Oh and they f***ing separate guys and gals. Tuesday i woke up early for registration and enrolment in the campus. After a pretty busy day where i settled a lot of stuff, met up with parents and hit the city for good Chinese food again. Continued touring the beautiful city on wed. Returned on thurs night . Bid farewell to my parents who are returning home on fri. Woke up early today for something called fun day at the clayton campus, which is a huge campus. Today has to be the hottest day so far, the only day i have perspired so far. Yes its been that cold during summer . Played some stupid games but got to play soccer yea. Slowly settling down. Just left with the broadband problem which i have to settle with my roommates that are never around. Need to find a wireless plan for us all to share. Trying to form a cooking group too. Hope it goes well. Yea and looking for a guitar too. Dying to play. Today’s Friday right, wonder if the dudes are jamming.

look at the stars ;