Thursday, July 07, 2011
Its 12am, the start of my customary owl pattern. There has been quite a significant and unexpected emotional disturbance the past few days, ruining the musical flow that culminated in the production process with Ruw on Ableton. Seeing her twice within a week has caused that. I thought I had moved on, but she has that natural pull, I get sucked in no matter what. As her farewell date loomed, I started drifting back to my old emotions. Those unfulfilled wishes, opportunities lost.. I thought this was my last chance to express a multitude of hidden feelings. I am assuming she has little knowledge of my feelings of course. What started as a friendly gesture to make a personalized mix for her turned into deep emotional recollection that would paralyse me til today. The thought of not seeing her ever again, that thats the end of our journey provoked such a response I guess. I have never really done anything for her and since finding out she was attached, my chats with her has been less frequent. So she must be quite surprised when she received the link to the mix. Essentially, the damage was done at the end of last year, when I 'missed the boat'. In order to stem the tides of regret, many thoughts of a final meet up with her to at least reveal some feelings to her creeped into my mind. The outcome would have been the same, but I might have felt better. What I need to learn from this ordeal though, is not to be too naive in my relationships with females, and of course to man up and strike when the iron is hot. Maybe I need to accept a new paradigm, which is that some girls really treat guys as just good friends. To dig deeper, it appears that in the times we spent together, jokes and laughter aside, I think we shared little emotional understanding of each other. She doesnt know or care how much music means to me and to me, her good character aside, I dont know much else about what makes her tick. Our interactions havent gone deep enough. In a way, I have been fooled by her warm, cheerful and innocent personality, because u never know if she's treating u specially.
But I need to fucking move on. I have got a lot of good musical stuff going on for me right now. I only hope to gain more wisdom with regards to reading girls, and hope to meet more decent girls in Melbourne who I can share deep connections with. hehe.
look at the stars ;
ABOUT ME (:
Likes: kicking balls, roofing, beaching, laning, stoning, chilling, light sabre fighting
Music: Progressive House, Trance(Coldharbour, Markus Schulz), Cranberries, Jewel
Fav Players: Patrice Evra, Park Ji-Sung, Ryan Giggs, Carrick, Scholes
Fav Tv shows: The OC, House, South Park, Simpsons, Prison Break
Movies: Infernal Affairs, Crush, Starwars trilogy, Spidey, LOTR, Batman begins
